The Edge I've been to this place many times in my life. It's rocky, barren, wind chilled. My trail is well trod, to this point high upon a precipice, looking down into eternity's black, swirling mists. Something here is calling me, inexorably; make the leap, it beckons, so often... I stand, transfixed, my feet at the very edge, looking down, balancing life with death. This is the black pool from which we're all born, to which we must all return some day.... Slowly I turn back, and retreat to life without knowing why. Cecil Williams 10/25/91 ************************** I am a poet of sorts frequently out of sorts, trying to sort out the remnants of a shattered dream. I'm in that limbo, that time when one dream has passed, and another is not yet looming large on the horizon of life. I'm in a stale pool of grey; I have no direction, little meaning, and I'm waiting, not so patiently, for the sun to rise again. Cecil Williams 2/23/93 ************************* Watch hands running backwards, lumpy cinders in a pile, and apple cores roll wet along the orange blossom mile. Windy with a tide of air, mortar hardens everywhere; my shoes need polished, I despair... Cecil Williams 6/10/93 ************************* Nomen Dubium Nodding noddy, no nom de plume. Nitty gritty nit-wit, nomadic noble. Noctambulist nomenclator of nomographic nomenclature. Nominal nominate, non nocuous nog of noetic noise. Noli me tangere. Cecil Williams - 9/3/92 ************************* Epilogue episodic epistaxis epitaxially growing hatred; epitasis now, and this is epistemically epitaphic alliteration Cecil Williams 9/3/93 *********************** More Nothing More Rectangular Cuban cigar pink neon smoke rising from oxidation point Occidental sunray through clerestory portals focused on my forehead An execution is at hand Cecil Williams 9/24/92 ************************* Man Man on a smooth teflon mountain. 45 degrees up or down, struggles to climb sometimes succeed, sometimes result in decline, a gradual downhill slide. Cecil Williams 9/30/91 *************************** SHREDDED shredded spoon sized pressed into small biscuits is what I feel like this morning like the wheat before me in blue and white china bowl of shredded bowl of wheat bowl of biscuits spoon sized shredded Cecil Williams 9/01/93 ************************ Late afternoon poem working day blues stomach in a knot brain in a caffeine fog it's Thursday already and nothing to show for it to make this a self-respecting well-worked week. Like looking in those two opposing mirrors where you see yourself repeated hundreds of times, the weeks go on seemingly endless in front and behind each frame the same fading to nothingness without revealing the smallest hope for change. Cecil Williams 9/17/92 ************************ Like schools of small fish in a pond, we're trapped, all swimming about, many of us going in seine. Cecil Williams 9/23/92 ************************ Mom just called, Dad's in the hospital. Intensive care. Seems he wouldn't go when it wasn't so bad; now it is. He's turning blue, can't quite breath like he should body's swelling some, can't quit walk right now Tests aren't done yet, but.....what if..... Dad, what if you die? you're only 59 I'm 36, and Dad, you've never hugged me or said you loved me, not once, in my life remembered. I always hug your grandkids, tell them I love them. Just once in my life? Is that too much to ask of my own Dad? Cecil Williams 10/24/91 ************************* Zita Marie Evensen writes: > > no poems to write tonight > even the full moon could not > tease the words to come out > and play hide and go seek > my hiding place is full > of electricity > and my lungs are seared > by the constant fires > from old dinosaurs > burned on the freeway Cecil Replies: No poems to write this morning even the full moon setting playing hide and seek with a cloud on a hill can't tease out the words my car drive home is full of emotions and my stomach seared by the constant acid from old memories burned into it's lining Cecil Williams - 7 May 1993 ***************************** Illusion is the game three quarters of what you see is facade a false front, not present. Good people happen to bad things. Today is just another day of circling the walls of Troy, shouting insults. Cecil Williams 2/25/93 ************************* Sine Wave I feel high, I feel wonderful! Life is great! An almost giddy tingle in my spine; I smile, and laugh, and now I want to cry, it doesn't feel good anymore. I fear something unknown, life is dark, life is dismal! There is no hope, I have no future. The promise of Death my only real companion. I withdraw to an inner sanctum. Where are friends when I am ferociously alone, and the stillness chokes at my gut? It is blackest night... But wait! Here rises the sun, again a new day replaces darkness; Anew the tingle rises up my spine, it's great to be alive! Life is wonderful; And I again feel high... Cecil Williams 12/28/92 ************************** RhymeNet Post, or die Toast, or pie Roast, on rye Coast on bye, Lonely guy. Don't ask why. Sigh... Sorry, my rhyme attack it seems is back. Ack! Jez'me Cecil - 4/17/92 ***************** Lonely spirits ,we are legion Sharing empty-ness in our lives, we Run a loose alliance ,a valence conveyance Across phosphor curtains on a silicon stage Cecil Williams - 10/14/91 *************************** I took a stroll along a side walk in my neighborhood, and saw a man, recumbent, cyanic. He had fallen, and couldn't get up. He was dead. I took a stroll past an alley, in my neighborhood and heard a woman screaming for help. She had fallen, and couldn't get up. She was fat. Cecil Williams - 5/18/92 ************************** 3:01AM Sleep, you are a vesper I do not possess you Rascal, where have you gone? Cecil Williams 9/20/91 ************************** 3:15am awake and alone my partner sleeping soundly her back turned coldly to me I face the nearby window and listen to the dark wind rustling the leaves that will soon fall. 3:43am too warm and restless held awake in the darkness by the sting of salty memories of a too distant past and blank fears of an unplanned future I want only deep and silent forgetfulness of sleep, but like other successes sleep is elusive this night. 4:09am up and typing white glare of screen washes my face in electric luminance one more hour until the alarm work comes early but sometimes sleep comes not at all 4:14am save and quit back to bed blood drained from my head sleep, like a finicky lover now beckons me come back to her. 8/30/96 Cecil Williams ********************** 5:38am Morning comes too early after a sleepless night of noise and lights my brain sits like a rock on top of a heavy beanbag body my eyes threaten mutiny to close themselves against the rushing tide of morning. Cecil Williams 6-13-96 *********************** Freddy Merc said "Nothin really matters," "Anyone can see..." but Freddy's dead; and Everything matters to me. And as for your god's love, well in his own mythical way, he's as quirky as a new momma rabbit who eats her babies when her cage is rattled. Cecil, son of Theo, son of Cecil... - 2/27/96 *********************************************** I grew up feeling like nothing I have to say is worth listening to I tried to tell this to my mother but as I spoke she turned away to talk with someone else Cecil Williams 4/23/98 ************************ ************************************************************************ Today is the first day of the rest of your life but also one day closer to your death. Whether you're King or a street sweeper all eventually dance with the Grim Reaper Cecil Williams 5/5/93 ********************** Sargasso ball and chain around my ankle I'm sinking into the wide sargasso sea bubbling out last breaths and wondering where and how I missed the boat... Cecil Williams ************** Spring The iris's are blooming, purple, white, maroon and yellow, and the hawthornes are heavy now with their quilt of scarlet florets. The lilac blooms are falling, almost done and now to seed; and the maple trees have grown their wings, that in the autumn fly. It's hard to die in springtime, when all life is sprouting new, when near summer is a promise, and there are things yet to do; But it's time to cull the weeds out of the garden, green and growing, pull out the weak plants by the roots and cast aside upon a pile. Not every seed will grow to fullness, not every sprout can make the grade, sometimes the best get stepped on, crushed or bruised past repair. Now it's time to cull the weeds, and thin the plants out in the garden, so the others grow their best without impedance, uncrowded by weeds or mediocrity. And it's hard to die in springtime when new life is in the air; but survival's for the fittest, there's no room for weeds or misfits. The rules of life are rarely ever fair. Now it's time to cull the weeds and thin the plants out in the garden, and it's hard to die in springtime when there's new love everywhere. Cecil Williams 6/02/93 ************************* Laughter in the Night I dreamed of three pet tortoises living in my neighbor's yard behind a nice white picket fence in a perfect little garden with flowers and no weeds well behaved and friendly they wore bows around their necks and were popular with the children in our perfect little neighborhood I built a white picket fence in my yard but someone tore it down and I heard laughter in the night I tried to grow a perfect little garden with flowers and vegetables but the weeds grew wildly, out of control and I heard laughter in the night I got a small pet turtle for my yard but a neighbor's dog carried it away and I heard laughter in the night The neighbors threw a block party invited everyone else in the neighborhood and I could hear their laughter in the night. Cecil Williams - 10/11/92 *************************** BeenThereDoneThat Likely this is all of me, this bitter cup of watching tea. The phone is mute; I'd like a ring, the night's not likely sleep to bring. Cecil Williams 3/25/93 ********************** o in the nite there exists dragons frightful ********** *=============* nightmare frightmare bytemare *=============* Cecil Williams 9-23-91 ******************************* Shadow a young boy sobs softly in the darkness it's night time, the world is silent, but sleep again has passed him by a dark shadow on the stairs! did it move? who's there? fear stabs his pounding heart, and paralyzes him he can't move! he can't scream! it seems forever, yet the shadow waits its time, perhaps this is not the night when the shadow will steal his soul... Cecil Williams 9/17/91 ******************************* Fear all consuming in the night of the night can't sleep I'm afraid of my lover of my children of my past and my future and my job and myself fearful of debt fearful of sickness afraid of the anxiety that always returns in the darkness to chew on my brain and batter my soul afraid of friends afraid of not having friends I fear I'm afraid of the fear that returns every night to haunt my waking hours Cecil Williams ************** The Witching Hour It's 3:00am, the witching hour, a magic hour of dark, heady ambiance. I'm always awake at 3:00am, listening to the night sounds. Refrigerators run with a rich noise at this hour. Distant trains rumble and whistle, railing off through the darkness. The ghosts of my missing children creak the floorboards as they tip-toe through the empty bedrooms. I see them only in extreme periphery, flickering shadows, but I know they're here. This hour is the heart of the night, and a black heart it is. I have long known 3:00am as the hour of my future death. And as I lie here contemplating matters of the heart, I feel again the Reaper passing near to sing his nightly overture, and press his bid, but no, I will not let go just yet. Cecil Williams 2/26/93 ************************ Drunk Again He's drunk again there'll be hell to pay don't look, be quiet, maybe he won't say anything yet, till mom gets home then there'll be hell to pay cause he's drunk again. Cecil Williams 9/17/91 ******************************* My father old in his sicknesses stays home a lot sleeps a lot sometimes mows the lawn for fun in my mind he's only a shadow follows me around always but never close enough to touch I wish it was different. I never call him, or send him birthday cards or wish him happy father's day because in my mind he isn't really there hasn't been since my teens when his drunken violent ways culminated with the rifle incident and all the broken windows and the death threats & wishes his and mine I wish it was different. As my own children grow up I watch them from the distance of divorce, betrayal, another man is their stepfather now and they don't always send me birthday cards or call to say happy father's day I feel like a shadow following them around always but never close enough to touch... I wish it were different. Cecil Williams ************** There's a tunnel at the end of the light; barely visible now, just into view. A darkness on the horizon; a smokey, stenching pit in the ground, leading down and never back. This is where the road of life leads, after all is said and done. And for the lucky ones, family and friends stand by in a guantlet at the mouth, bidding farewell, voicing their final teary-eyed words of love and goodbye. But for the rest of us, it is in the cover of darkness that we arrive here, alone and silent. Tears roll from our eyes only; quietly sobbed words of goodbye uttered from our own lips, but caught by no ear; farewell, cruel world, farewell. Cecil Williams 3/3/96 *********************** Follow Me i have a dark secret, that follows me 'round, and oft whispers to me, with a siren's sweet sound... come with me, whispers it, and I'll take you from here, to where no one can hurt you, to a place of no fear. no pain and no hunger are found in that place, follow me, follow me, it says to my face. sometimes this dark secret stays a few steps behind, but when life gets tough it gets right in my mind. follow me, follow me, it says to my face, and i'll take you away, to that wonderful place... i often ignore it, try not to agree, "just get away, damn you!" "please go away from me!" but after the sun sets, and friends can't be found; and mountains of loneliness crowd all around; follow me, follow me, it says to my face; and i'll take you away, to that wonderful place... follow me, follow me, whispers it in my ear, and i'll take you away, from the loneliness here; to a place where that loneliness does not reside, what's the name of this secret? of course, suicide. Cecil Williams 9/28/91 ************************** It is a truly bleak day, for there is nothing more, after today. This is the end of my life, and the end of forever. "Till death do us part" rings so hollow now, but true. I meant it with all of my heart, but not you. Cecil Williams 7/10/92 ************************* Now I lay me down to die, to all the world I say goodbye. Into the darkness of the deep, so gently slips my soul to sleep. Now bring some sorrow, bring some mirth, and gather round, friends of this earth. I did not wish to die alone. Please, stand close by here in my home, And celebrate the life we had, the times of good, the times of bad. And as I'm past from in your midst, please shed a tear, or maybe two, for several times I've done the same for one of you. Cecil Williams - 7/10/1992 ***************************** Father's Day Father's Day a day to forget. don't bother with cards, or a tie, or such gifts This year I'm alone, alone as a hermit cause another man's love was more to mom's liking Now I don't want your trinkets of self-appeasement or gratuitous pre-written thoughts, I have only one request; For father's day this year, please bury me deep and bury me quick place a few flowers, and don't tarry o're one who meant naught. And after that, please don't visit me there, for no one in life, is no one in death. Cecil Williams 6/7/92 ********************** Clear Blue Crazy Force the edge of destiny! Come closer my son, hear the great walls speak the unspeakable; Truth, which was, was not, Which is, is not. And will not be. It's only a mirage. What you were, is taken, And is not and shall never be again. And so the sky fell, blue blue crackled pieces, and formed a sticky puddle of blue ice, but it will melt in the Father's hot hands; Time. And now we live alone, it's not so bad, death will rescue us soon, he likes to come, in the night, midnight, riding his black horse, but will find us not asleep, we are waiting for him, eager to go for a ride through the veils that divide us from our past. And I see blue, a horizontal blue light, a bright eternity with fields of flowers where darkness never shines, and we lay down our wretchedness and rest, Now total blackness decends, engulfs me, the blue field is gone, and the devil himself approaches, stomping angry, breathing green fire. He is pissed. I'm laying on his flowers. Cecil Williams 3/25/92 ******************************* Christmas '92 Death an attractive option to christmas spent alone without kids without wife without shared joy, or song. the unbearable pain of loneliness a most severe punishment for being shy and abandoned by an adulterous woman. by what power do I cling to this miserable existence each day to bring only more loneliness? for what reason do I go on? there is no reason, only a thread of hope that it's all a bad dream, and I'll wake up happy tomorrow, or maybe not wake up at all. My thread is fully unravelled. Cecil Williams 12/28/92 ************************* Hocus Pocus Love out of focus You left this locus and I think I've fallen deeply in hate with you. Cecil Williams ************** It's the edge of night. My mind is weary, so weary. My soul must have rest. The days of life are long, and darkness awaits, impatiently, as a lover denied. I can resist no longer. I must fulfill my lover's bidding to join her, in the warm dark blanket of eternity, and sleep forever. Cecil Williams ************** Insatiable craving to self destruct subconscious murderer of self I want to die, but I don't. I don't want to die, but I do. I have no choice, but to kill myself. Life has programmed this into me absolutely. It is only up to me when, not if. It has always been so when I am alone. I've struggled against this inner demon for so long, and I'm weary of the constant battles. Wife and children were always my strength to go on. No more; They've all abandoned me, fled to another man. Part time friends are not enough to fill the void in the night, the cold bed, the stillness, the long hours spent unwillingly alone. Only death, in its absoluteness, can kill this pain. Cecil Williams 1/4/93 ********************** >David Bolduc wrote: > > Admonition > ---------- > > Take a shotgun. > Aim at a tomato. > Discharge. > That's what suicide does > to your family. Cecil Replies: Take a tomato still growing young green on the vine pour soap in it's mouth to teach it religion withhold water and love to make it "strong" shield it from the bright reality of the sun and then curse it for being so ingrateful as to fall off the vine and die still green. Cecil - 12/23/96 ******************